Do you find yourself tripping at the finish line, getting so close to what you want but never quite reaching it? If it’s not one thing, it’s the other. One circumstance after another, always something getting in the way. But are these obstacles really beyond your control? Have you considered that it might not just be life letting you down, but that it could also be a me thing? After all, self-sabotage is real.
What is Self-Sabotage and Why Do We Do It?
Life coach Monique defines self-sabotage as “when we repeatedly do things that move us away from what we consciously claim that we want.” She emphasizes the word repeatedly because making a mistake or having one bad day does not necessarily mean someone is self-sabotaging. It is when certain behaviors become recurring patterns that they warrant closer attention.
According to her, there are a number of reasons behind self-sabotage. One is our brain’s tendency to favor what’s familiar even when they’re not necessarily good for us. “It keeps you safe by doing the same thing again and again,” she says. This can explain why someone keeps finding themselves in unhealthy relationships or situations. Even when a particular experience has not worked out before, familiarity can make it difficult to choose something different.
Another reason for self-sabotage is fear of failure, disappointment, or being judged by others. Consider someone who wants to start a business but keeps finding excuses to delay the launch. Beneath the procrastination may be questions about what could go wrong. “What would happen if they failed? What would happen if they put all of their time into it and nothing came of it?” Monique asks.
Common Signs of Self-Sabotage
From what she’s observed, Monique says there appears to be no typical profile of people who self-sabotage. “Everybody kind of self-sabotages in one area of their life or another. Maybe they have an extremely successful career and they’re willing to take risks and ask for a promotion, but their love life is a complete mess. Or it could be vice versa.”
Self-sabotage can show up in different ways, such as choosing the wrong person time and again, procrastinating, avoiding tasks, waiting for the perfect moment, people-pleasing at the expense of yourself, or playing the victim.
How to Recognize and Overcome Self-Sabotage
You can spot them by getting curious and sharpening your self-awareness. Once you recognize the patterns holding you back, the next step is to understand their function. “What are you trying to avoid? What are you hiding from?” Monique presses. “A popular self-sabotage is sometimes people will block someone as soon as they’re in a tiny argument. Why? Ask yourself, why are you blocking them? There could be repair after the rupture but maybe it’s self-sabotage because in your experience, there was never repair. Anytime you try to express yourself, people would get mad at you, turn their back on you so rather than letting that happen and getting told off again, it’s kind of like abandon before they abandon.”
To move beyond self-sabotage, she encourages prioritizing growth over familiarity, even when it feels uncomfortable. “There’s a saying: your comfort zone will kill you… It might not literally kill you, but it’s going to kill your dreams, it’s going to kill your hopes,” she warns.
So how can you do things better? Monique advises that you reflect on what would happen if you let things unfold naturally, if you resisted your usual impulses. As you explore a different path, you should still be prepared for the possibility that things will turn out as your mind predicted. “What’s the worst that can happen and when it does, what does that mean about myself? Does that mean that I’m a failure? Does that mean I need to pivot my marketing strategy? Does that mean this business was never meant for me? Does that mean I keep trying? It can mean something different to a lot of people. But if you self-sabotage and never do it, you’ll never actually know,” she asserts.
Monique readily acknowledges that putting these changes into practice is easier said than done. This is where a life coach can make a difference, providing guidance, encouragement, and support along the way.
Working with Monique
If, like me, you’re interested in the whys behind things, you’ll appreciate Monique’s style. She really takes the time to explain concepts. She can get technical but always manages to break down ideas into simple, relatable terms. Her coaching doesn’t follow a cookie-cutter approach. It’s client-centered, she meets you where you are and builds each session around what you want to achieve. No prescribed structure to conform to.
She is an attentive listener who not only pays close attention to what you relate but the words you use as well. She’s very mindful of language and gently suggests alternative ways of expressing your thoughts, frequently pointing out that the words you choose can influence the messages your brain receives.
Take Coach Monique’s self-sabotage quiz here: https://growwithmo.netlify.app/
And she doesn’t mind going beyond scheduled appointments. In my case, she arranged check-ins between our meetings because I needed someone to hold me accountable for some stuff I needed to finish. It’s also worth mentioning that Monique puts thought and effort into creating her own coaching resources and activity sheets rather than relying solely on generic, ready-made materials.
The Experiences That Led to Life Coaching
Perhaps that’s no surprise, considering she’s a teacher. She is certified to handle kindergarten through Grade 12, covering social sciences, math, English, and French. For the past several years, she has been moving locations, combining her vocation with her love of travel. “I’m kind of a nomad, to be honest,” reveals the 30-year-old. She typically transfers to a new school every school year or so, returning to her home in Toronto, Canada, whenever she needs to reset.
Through her work, she has witnessed students struggling, their emotional issues often overlooked or left unaddressed. “You can have a childhood where your parents take you on trips, there’s food on the table every day, they’re at your events and cheering for you loud and proud, but they could still be harming you. They could still be invalidating your feelings, they could still be neglecting you, they could still be dumping all their personal issues on you.”
These experiences can have lasting effects, something Monique believes many adults continue to grapple with long after childhood. She thought, if these children could be helped properly, there might be less adults with self-sabotaging behaviors and nervous system dysregulation. Unfortunately, from what she has seen, the school systems seem incapable of providing the necessary support.
The medical sector has been a letdown as well. During a particularly challenging period, she sought help from specialists and followed their prescribed treatments and advice for mental health but found little relief. “I have tried every single pill that you can imagine. I have tried every type of therapy. I have read the books. I’ve listened to the podcasts. I’ve journaled. I’ve moved abroad. I’ve started a business. I started eating clean. I started exercising,” she rattles off.
Monique has visited 23 countries and counting! Traveling allows her to meet people from different cultures and appreciate that there’s more than one way of doing things, a perspective that enriches her work as a life coach.
After going through so many approaches without finding the answers she was looking for, she became discouraged and frustrated. Eventually, she decided to take matters into her own hands. “The only one that’s going to be able to help me is me,” she concluded.
Finding Her Own Way Forward and Helping Others Do the Same
She turned to research, reading about topics such as childhood neglect and emotionally immature parents before discovering neuroscience. Her degree in psychology came in handy as she explored these subjects in greater depth. The more she learned, the more curious she became, prompting her to enroll in a special course. As she worked toward her certification, she realized she could share her knowledge with others, particularly her students and fellow teachers, and equip them to cope with their difficulties.
Today, through her neuroscience-based life coaching, Monique helps clients bridge the gap between where they are and where they want to be. Her practice encompasses a range of concerns, from self-sabotage and lack of motivation to breaking old patterns, cultivating a growth mindset, creating a life worth living, overcoming teacher burnout, among others.
“I am on a healing journey, which I believe is a lifelong journey. I’m just continuing to grow like a tree, and I want to grow alongside my clients,” she declares.
To start moving toward the life you envision with Monique’s guidance, you may email her at growwithmo.coaching@gmail.com book through this link.
Life Coach Monique Soaking up the California sunshine!
All images courtesy of Monique.
